In our last post, we ranked the Stardew Valley bachelorettes. Whether or not you agreed with our list, it’s fair to say it’d just be cruel to leave people hanging by not making a follow-up for the bachelors. Just like the marriageable ladies in Stardew, there are six hunky dudes in Pelican Valley that are single and ready to mingle. It’s time to do what any sensible person would do, and arbitrarily rank them from lowest to highest.
Keep in mind, this list is considering the worth of each bachelor as a long-term husband. That includes the whole shebang — caring for your farm, being a steadfast partner, being a good father, and so on. This list is solely my own opinion; if you have strong disagreements, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments! It’s never too late in the day to war online about video game husbands.
Anyway, here are Stardew Valley’s bachelors, ranked from worst to best.
6 – Sam
Look, Sam is great in a lot of ways. He’s quite talented, pretty jovial, exceedingly nice, and there’s not really anything offensive about him. But, yeesh, I’m looking for a husband, you know? I wanted to be convinced by Sam, but no matter how far you get with him, it’s just hard to shake the feeling that you’re dating a high-schooler. Yeah, I know, none of the Stardew bachelors are high-schoolers, but let’s just say that Alex seems as close as you can get.
And you know what? That’s fine. If we’re just dating. I can just pretend my little farmer is in a similar range, and his young age is negligible. But that doesn’t mean that he feels like husband material. Nah, he feels like the boyfriend I’d have coming out of high-school, before I take a look at the world and realize there are just so many more options. I mean, you have to hide from the guy’s mom when you’re cuddling, for crying out loud.
Sam is nice enough, but his character basically comes down to “I’m such a cool guy. Look at me, I play music. Isn’t that cool? I’m in a cool band. I’m a cool skater, isn’t that cool?” Yeah, in eleventh grade. I’m not saying music and skating aren’t great interests for a guy to have, I’m just saying that Sam needs to go get some life experience and turn into a man, because I ain’t about to marry a boy. And… we might need to talk about that haircut.
5 – Sebastian
Sebastian seems to be the popular choice in most online lists I see, and y’know what? I don’t see it. This is, perhaps, another moment where my age is showing. Sebastian is, like, a bad boy. But not the “cool, independent, badass, renegade man” type of bad boy, the “angsty, emo edgelord who still lives with his parents” type of bad boy — and a lot of time their edge doesn’t last.
In other words, Sebastian could be that rebellious kid who fancies himself some kind of mysterious, dark rebel, and then looks back at his high-school photos eight years later and cringes hard. Yeah, he might be dark and mysterious, but we’ll see how long that lasts, eh Sebastian?
That’s not to say that Sebastian isn’t a compelling character. His heart events show us a much softer interior where we learn about the insecurities relating to his complex family dynamics, and it’s also made apparent that he’s fairly hard-working guy who will ostensibly have no problem providing for himself in the future. He’s one of those characters that has a really fun journey to go through as you get those hearts up, but that doesn’t mean I want to marry the guy.
Sebastian either works for you, or he doesn’t. I’m gonna say that teenage me may have found him to be positively dreamy, but adult me wants him to go figure things out.
4 – Shane
Another popular candidate, many readers will be shocked to see Shane in the bottom three. In many ways, he’s like the grown-up version of Sebastian. He’s mysterious, he’s coarse, he’s withdrawn, and of course, as you get to meet him, all those insecurities melt away to show a guy who’s actually got a heart of gold. Awww.
I’ll admit it — Shane had me. His heart events and personal transformation is among the deepest in the game, and he goes from a depressed asshole to a vulnerable friend and partner. It’s hard not to love Shane when you see his soft side, especially when you see him fight his addiction and become a better person.
And then I married him, and oof, Shane was kind of ruined for me. His house add-on is the messiest and most unkempt out of any bachelor, his alcoholism doesn’t show any real signs of recovery, and he ends up being pretty mopey. It was then that I realized that I had been had. You see, Shane is the classical embodiment of the rescue fantasy that a lot of people have, where they think they will be the one to finally heal some broken soul through the power of romance and love! Yeah, it turns out that, in the real world, people need more help than that. When Shane regressed after marriage, I realized I had fallen victim to that alluring fantasy.
3 – Alex
Alex is alright. His in-game journey has some good nuance — not as much as Shane’s, but he also doesn’t turn into a turd after marriage, so that bumps him up.
To be honest, I’m not crazy about Alex. He’d likely be in the bottom three, but Sam is too boring, Sebastian is too cliche, and Shane gives diminishing returns, so here we are. Alex is a sweetie, but you wouldn’t know that if you didn’t force yourself to become his friend. He’s kind of a meathead jerk in the beginning. Unlike Haley, who discovers new things about herself and authentically becomes a nicer person, Alex is just kind of a tool on the surface which acts as a facade for a much more sensitive and vulnerable guy.
Once you do get to know that guy, it’s hard not to have some love for Alex. He’s had some trauma in the past, and we learn how he tries to subvert the jock stereotype that he’s always shoehorned into. It also doesn’t seem like he’s as close with his “friends” (Abigail, Sam, and Sebastian) as it looks, so once you know all of this, you just want to give him a big hug.
But at the end of the day, I wasn’t super convinced on the idea of taking him as my life partner. On paper, everything looks good, but we’ve gotta remember that he’s competing with other guys, and his soft truffle inside to his jock exterior wasn’t quite enough to push him to the top spot.
2 – Harvey
Okay, repeat with me — facial hair is temporary, but a winning personality lasts forever. Hey may have a mustache that’s off-putting to many players, but it’s hard to deny his heart of gold.
Let’s look at the facts. Harvey dreamed of being a pilot. When he concluded that this dream was unrealistic and unattainable, he resorted to his Plan B, which was, oh, a freaking doctor. When someone’s backup plan is being a doctor, I’d say it’s a pretty good sign that things are going to work out. This has nothing to do with income; after all, my ancient fruit wine income eclipses his pathetic doctor’s salary. But Harvey is someone who is highly independent, and caring of others. In a word, he’s got his shit together, which is no doubt a quality you want in a long-term partner.
Harvey is also precious once you get to know him. He’s definitely a dork, but in the good kind of way. The one thing he’s got going against him is that many players find him to be a bit too neurotic for their tastes. Harvey’s got some anxiety for sure, and if you feel like you’re marrying someone because you feel sorry for them, you might want to reconsider. Naturally, your mileage will vary on that depending on what your tastes are.
1 – Elliot
Oh, this was a hard one. Elliott is just dreamy. Look at that lustrous mane. Look at that pristine attention to personal fashion. Look at his creative mind, his desire to write and stir emotion in the hearts of others! And best of all, look at that independence! Elliott not only lives entirely on his own (no parents to be seen in any direction), he’s also not saddled with any kind of psychological baggage or crippling addictions. Now that’s a win.
Elliott is also unflinchingly romantic, ever seeking out the beauty and meaning in life. So, naturally, I expected that his heart events would reveal some kind of major douche inside. Because if not, what’s the catch?
Well, it turns out that there is none. Elliott, at no point, shows any signs of being a vain try-hard or an overconfident Casanova. He really is, on all accounts, just a genuinely good guy, and so it’s easy to see why he makes a strong case for the most marriageable bachelor. The best part? Elliot is an absolute sweetie in that post-marriage life. Whereas people like Shane leave messes and whine about petty problems, Elliot spends his time writing you heartfelt poetry and going out of his way to show his appreciation for you. Daww. Oh, and those locks. Look at those locks. Case closed, folks.
Who is your favorite Stardew bachelorette? Is this list totally and egregiously wrong? Sound out your opinion in the comments!